Growing up?

I read somewhere that adolescence ends now at 35. I don't really doubt it. Seems like as the boomer generation gets older, the X generation remains children. But also, I still feel like an adolescent. Hard to believe, as I have been married for many years and have a child, but I do. Its like every time I begin to feel like an adult, I scream and kick and act like a complete fool. I remind myself that, no, I am still that 13 year old girl that refused to go see Gorillas in the Mist with my mom, even though I cried for nearly 2 hours when she went ahead with out me. (I think also I cried for two hours when I finally saw it.) And it doesn't help that my "peers" remind me of my childishness with comments like, "Why don't you look like a grown up, now?" when I wear my collar, or pat me on the head like a little puppy. The other day I was in a group of clergy, all of whom were at least 10 years older than me, yet I was the senior of the group in length of ordination. They kept asking me where I went to seminary (the same seminary they did...only four years earlier) and when I graduated, and just couldn't believe I had been ordained "so long" since I am merely a baby. Of course, really, they kept thinking, "isn't she still in college?" But I'm used to it, and I live smugly in my own head.

I went home last week. It was fun - B loves his WeeWaw - and she loved seeing him. But it was hard at the same time. It's always hard to go home. In many ways, it was the first time I was home and didn't feel like a little kid again - probably because I have my own kid, now. But at the same time, it was the first time I didn't feel like it was home. I felt comfortable there, and I enjoyed my time, but it wasn't the same. My mom and I had a great talk, and I learned a lot about her and my family and her family and me and well, I learned a lot. And it was one of the few times when I felt like a grown up with my mom. But part of me resented that - like I wanted to stay my mom's little girl, not be adults with her. Part of me just wanted to go on pretending like she doesn't have feeling or thoughts or a life outside of the fantasy I created in admiration of her. Its much easier to think of people in simple terms, like Mom and Dad, rather than complicating them with hurt feelings and emotional baggage. I am glad to know so much more about my mom, and to acknowledge where I am oblivious to her being a person. And I am glad to have a deeper relationship with her. But still...

I am in a tug of war between wanting to stay a little kid and knowing I need to be a grown up. I need to do it to be a better wife, a better daughter, a better mom, and probably a better priest. But man, am I fighting hard against it. I guess, I have something like 8 months before I officially become an adult. So...here's trying.