Hold You

Bedtime has never really been easy for us. For the first 18 months, it was a struggle to even go to sleep, let alone stay asleep. We try to find ways to get out of bedtime - all three of us. Who's turn is it again? One more story, one more song...PLEEEEEZE (big grin). But then again, nighttime has always been a struggle for all of us.

Last night was my turn - fairly, I must add, as I had gotten out of it for the past three nights for various reasons. It wasn't necessarily difficult. B even gloriously ran into the bathtub before the water had even turned warm - BATH BATH!! He let me put the night-diaper and pajamas on - no problem, not even a whine (miracle of miracles), and he picked out a book (even though I knew half of it was too scary and we would have to skip through the pages carefully - since he knows when the story line doesn't flow correctly. All was going well. He had a little milk and one song, his request. And I thought...okay, maybe I'll try putting him into bed awake, read one more story and see what happens.

The thing is...I feel like every time I try something new, all the various voices - books, well-meaning relatives, not-so-well-meaning-competitive parents - start telling me what to do:
"You must put him to bed awake, or else he will never learn how to fall asleep on his own and you will be rocking him to sleep when he's 45."
"You can't let him manipulate you into getting what he wants."
"He's just a baby...you can't spoil a baby"
Those voices drive me crazy, make me second-guess, irk me...and when they take over my head, I am a worse parent for it. When I trust my instincts, I seem to be much more effective.

So, I laid him in bed and sang him the Penguin Song, and he looked drowsy, so I kept going. Blanket - check, daddy's shirt (his version of a blankie) - check, the dogs (name them all, please) - check. "Night Night" and out the door. One...two...three... "MAAAAAMAAAA! Penguin Song! Ghin, Ghin" So, I am there. In that dilemma - let him cry, let him climb out of the crib, or go in and try try again. And I am seriously torn. Meanwhile, daddy is freaking out - "This is going to be ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS, isn't it?"

It seems our most intense parental conversations are in the midst of crisis - right there, as the B is crying and/or doing whatever he is doing. Not so very helpful.

And B is standing there, holding his arms out, "Mama! Down, Down? Pleeeese?" And Daddy is standing there with his arms crossed convinced of trauma. And I am in the middle. So...rather than think about all the ways he is manipulating me and all the ways he is disappointing Daddy, I just hugged B and offered one more song. Daddy proceeded downstairs to workout.

And there I was, sitting on the floor, rubbing his back through the cage of the crib, when B looked at me, with sleepy but determinedly awake eyes, and said quietly, "Mama? Hold you?" (You, being him...he's still working on the pronouns) And for a split second, I thought, No...stick to your guns, make him sleep on his own. But then I heard another voice in my head. "Sometimes, YOU need to be held to fall asleep" And so, with love and genuine affection, I picked him up, held him, sang him a song, and he feel instantly asleep.

That's the way it is. We all need some human contact - something that says we're loved and safe and that we're cared for in that moment before we fall asleep. I know when I am alone, I have the hardest time falling to sleep - sometimes I even sleep with the light on. Maybe it is the fact that my mom made me sleep by myself - or didn't. But maybe it is because I just want to be next to someone - to know that I am loved and safe - and to be held in that moment just before I fall asleep.